Springtime

The last term of the year has started. hard to believe in a few months I’ll be finishing my second year at this school. A lot has been going on, as usual.

I’m still floating around, not quite in relationships, not quite on track with life. Since January I’ve:

-Gotten bronchitis
-Ran a 10K
-Sprained pretty much my entire lower body from said 10K
-Hosted my mother’s first international trip
-Marked and submitted grades for End of Term
-Visited Switzerland
-Briefly dated then broke up again
-Managed not to gain weight

This month I’m back in the gym. I joined a Crossfit class  10 days ago with a colleague and have slowly gotten back to meal prepping. I’ve had one round of depression already so hopefully it’s a while before I fall to it again.

I have been making more plans and going out more, even if my friends do bail on me. I’m still skating, I started going to a ukulele meet up. I read a couple more books, bought a few more, and am trying to keep up with my journaling.

Oh this week I have a three day weekend so I’m going back to India to see an old friend in Goa. I haven’t seen her in three years, so I’m pretty stoked about it.

I feel tired a lot and I feel like I don’t have the right to be. Today I’m going to go home and do a massive cleaning spree thats overdue.

I MUST WRITE MORE. GAH.

I’ll get through this month playing catch up, then get back to regular measuring and weighing and photo-ing May 1. I won’t have any more major trips until the end of June; so I can really focus on ME ME ME ME ME.

So I tell myself.

 

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New Goals, New Plan

So in the last week or so, I’ve been trying to process the breakup and where I am in life and what I’m supposed to do.

I thought I could hop on a dating app, talk to a few guys for fun, and slowly get back in the scene.

After being ghosted twice and countlessly harassed, I realized I’m not in a good place mentally to handle the childish bullshit the average guy gives to a single girl on the internet.

I don’t miss my ex. I’m still very angry and confused. I won’t ever have answers, nor do I need them. My trust in people has been altered a lot. I get overwhelmed thinking about who can i trust and are they really being honest or am I overthinking things.

I don’t need a relationship. I need time to focus on me. So I’ve been trying to find things to think about and work toward, but I’ve also had parents meetings at work and wound up catching bronchitis.  So I’ve been home alone with my thoughts and my cat and I’m trying to stay off of social media long enough to get a good picture of who I am and where I want to be.

It’s nearly February. in 17 months I will be leaving the UAE. I want to work in Japan next. I have a lot of traveling and saving up to do, as well as preparing for life in the next destination. So I have to figure out my goals and plans to attain them. I have different aspects of my life I’d like to improve, as well as things I need to accomplish.

Health:
Run a 10K
Attain 54Kgs

Habits:
Less Online time
Read 2 books a month
Write daily
Learn more Ukulele songs

Travel:
Switzerland
Australia
New Zealand
Kenya
Jordan
South India
England
Scotland
Ireland
Ethiopia
Hong Kong

Japan:
Study Japanese- classes, self studies, language exchange
Research cities/job opportunities
Optimize applications

 

The Break-up

After a year and 19 days, the relationship that I thought would take me to the next chapter of my life has confusingly and maddeningly ended.

The aloofness and neglect that I had experienced was not due to work, but instead due to cowardice. See, after going three days without hearing from him, I followed a hunch and found his profile on Tinder. Using a profile pic I had taken a month before. on a date. with me. his girlfriend.

I tried calling him, and he avoided me. He was online, but not replying. After having a short exchange with him, I gave up and deleted him from my phone.

I knew it would be over.

Instead of finally facing me, he sent a late night text saying how he’d “rather be friends” and he “should have told me a long time ago”.  Basically everything we had built our relationship on was lies. Some of these lies include, but aren’t limited to:

-I don’t break hearts
-I’ll always listen to you
-We will always talk about anything
-If I want to leave, I will tell you to your face
-Of course I want to have kids
-My family knows you, so I don’t need to add you on Facebook
-It’s just a picture, she doesn’t even know me.
-I’ve just been working too much
-I’ll see you soon
-I miss you
-I love you, habibti.

I’m much better than i was a few days ago, but I am wounded for sure. It’s so tiring to be so involved with someone and they always end up being users and childish idiots. I don’t want to be guarded and mistrustful and judgmental; but then I get taken advantage of. For the last few months his heart wasn’t in it, but he had no problem sharing my food, my heart, my house, my car, my bed. It was given to him freely, unconditionally, all because I believed we were going somewhere. We had met on an app and decided to start something new.

But after one year he’s in the same place, on the same app, looking for the same thing. I know I’m better off, but I’m so bewildered how the man who took me to Morocco and showed me off to all his friends is the same man who can’t even break up with me face to face.

So in the day that followed, he has been removed. Every digital moment that was curated; from the first texts on his way to meet me, from the time he proclaimed his love in every language, to all the pictures with his mom and nieces in Marrakech. All the photos and souvenirs. The birthday gift, the just because gift, the thinking of you gift. It’s all down a garbage chute or wiped clean from my hard drive.

I have to catch my breath and try to remember, because it’s quickly slipping away from me, and It’s like there’s a hole where my love was, and a crack in where my trust should be.

New Years and Travels and Life

It’s been an interesting few weeks.

I maintained my weight; I’m pretty much back at where I was just before holidays.

I loved South Africa; The food, the weather, the scenery. I visited Cape town, Durban, and Johannesburg. I learned a lot and saw a lot and felt a lot of things. I really recommend it to anyone who can manage a flight down.

 

I’ve booked my spring break already; Switzerland! I have a long layover in Amsterdam on my way in, so I’m really looking forward to checking out the city.

In the meantime, school is back in session. I got a new office, I have a lot of work to do, and there’s not much time to get it done in. I’ve gotten back into the gym, with the goal of getting to the 150s before spring break. I’d love to be at a ‘healthy’ BMI (154 lbs) by then

My boyfriend and I are having growing pains. His work has been relentless. There has been holiday volume, people quitting, failing systems, and weather related delays. Combine that with the already grueling 12 hour shifts and you can imagine I’m not seeing him a lot. I get really anxious and insecure when he doesn’t talk to me, so this has led to me acting out. Right now he’s exhausted and peeved at me, while I’m trying to be understanding but also feeling lonely and neglected.

This can’t be forever. But it’s so hard to deal with right now.

I’m trying to give him space. I wish I wasn’t so needy.

But we’ve been together a year now, and I think if we can get through this rough patch we can figure out the next year. Keep us in your thoughts.

For now, I’m filling up the empty spaces with Insanity workouts, weight training, language study, and journaling. I want to reach my goals this year. I’m already halfway there.

End of Year Updates

I’ve been really good about keeping up with my goals, but really bad about posting. I started an Instagram last month: @lifeinperpetualmotion

I post about weight loss and traveling and studying languages mostly.

Since my last post, I joined a weight loss challenge at my gym and broke my plateau.  So far I’ve lost 7 lbs in 5 weeks. This week is the final week and I hope to really knock it out of the park. I’ve gotten back into skating and I’ve been meeting Saturday mornings to hit the cycling park.

My boyfriend and I had our first fight.he didn’t talk to me for two days. I didn’t eat.  We talked about everything and made up.

I leave for South Africa in three weeks. I’m having a dress made for my friend’s wedding and I’m very excited for that, swimming with sharks, seeing penguins, and eating amazing food.

As of this morning, I’m in the 160s, which is somewhere I haven’t been in a long time. I’ve been fighting off my depression with intense exercise sessions and making friends at the club. I’m wearing newer, smaller clothes and my colleagues and students are really impressed. It feels great to see how much I’ve changed this year.

The next couple weeks will be tying of loose ends; Finishing marks, doing paperwork, deep cleaning the house, and preparing for my trip. I’m very happy and feeling productive.

I hope to post again before the trip with some progress and goals for the coming months.

Hope all is well.

Just in case you forgot….

TW: Rape,self harm, suicide

Hello self, you know what I caught you doing? You were dreamily looking at your boyfriend and wondering why in the world he would be with you.

And while that’s sweet and romantic, you are not giving yourself enough credit at all. Seriously. Why does he have to be the savior to rescue you from this self imposed ‘only’ and ‘just’ that you soften yourself with?

Just in case you forgot, this is why you’re amazing:

You grew up without your mom. You were the subject of a nasty custody tug of war that left you without a mom and your father working nights; so you were subjected to the well intended but poorly executed care of your grandmother. The same woman who would enroll you in cheerleading and read you stories would also paddle you and tell you you couldn’t be a ballerina because you were too fat.  When your dad remarried, your well meaning but poorly experienced stepmother would do her best to raise you in a way that is similar to a pillow being smothered over your face.

You became well rounded despite being socially awkward, obese, and generally a loner since you were the incessant target of playground bullies from primary school until you graduated. You channeled your teasing into art and writing, becoming class poet and finding solace in books and imaginary worlds. You survived your suicide attempts. You overcame the oppression of your father and chose your own path for studies, and when presented to conform or move out, you became independent.

At 18, you lived with your boyfriend, worked full time, and attended classes. You survived a car accident that should have killed you. When you broke up with your ex, he tried to rape you and you overcame the incident and have become vocal for those who have been in similar experiences.

At 20, you got married, worked 2 jobs, and went to university for time and a half, desperate to graduate on time. And you did. You paid for your own wedding, eliminated your husband’s debt, and left the comfort of your home to explore Korea and eventually find your career calling.

At 22, you fought the worst of your depression. You graduated with your bachelor’s, got accepted in your master’s and survived living alone while your husband was deployed. You overcame your self harming tendencies and got a teaching certificate from Cambridge

At 26, you decided enough was enough. You divorced your husband after being emotionally blackmailed and suffering the company of an alcoholic. You finished your Master’s Program while working 2 jobs and sharing your house with a Japanese family. You were in a band and wrote your own songs. You taught yourself ukulele. You overcame your binge eating tendencies and stopped drinking so damn much. You decided to apply for a high paying job in the middle east. You got a job offer.

At 27, you were too poor to live in NYC but you wanted to finish your teaching diploma so you stayed in a stranger’s house for three weeks, sleeping on a couch and rationing food. You passed the program, got a summer gig, and flew to 7 states to start saying goodbye before the gig overseas. You singlehandedly sorted all the shit in storage from your marriage, and condensed your life into two suitcases. You left for the desert, not looking back.

In the last year, you have paid of 20k in credit card debt, you have traveled to 15 countries, you have lost 35 pounds. You eat normally and have reignited a love for dance and exercise. You earned the top teaching diploma in the world. You are 100% independent. You have your own apartment, car, hobbies, life, passion, friends, and happiness. You have learned to cope with the pangs of anxiety and depression that haunt you still.

So, self. When you look dreamily at your boyfriend and wonder what he sees in you, it’s a whole fucking lot. You aren’t lucky. You are amazing. You are strong. You are accomplished and brave. You came from a rural town in NW Georgia, a product of a dissolved marriage, a first generation college student, and have found the world and yourself in the center of it.

You’re a catch.

So don’t forget again.

 

Travels, Midterm, and Infatuation

Things have been good. Working and improving things. I went to Oman for a day to snorkel with fish and watch the dolphins. I ended up camping on the tallest mountain in the UAE, which resulted in the best view for the early sunrise.

This week my students are taking midterms, so we have a hectic schedule of marking and updating grade books and staying after late to get everything in by the due date.

My weight is slowly going down. I’m hovering around 175, hoping to drop down soon so I can tick off the next box. I’d like to be in the 160s by the end of the month. I’ve begun Bellydancing and Bollywood classes in addition to Zumba, so I’m enjoying a lot more dancing and choreography. It’s nice to be sore from flailing along in rhythm. I even get to dress up, which is fun. I can’t wait for Halloween; I’ve ordered my wig and contacts.

I also am with my new Arabic school, which is good. I hope to get conversational in the next couple of months. My students are really sweet about helping me out when we have down time.

Today is my boyfriend’s birthday. He’s working, so we won’t be meeting up, but I am kidnapping him this Friday for a full day of fun in Dubai.

Things are good. I’m tired, but mostly because I’m not sticking to my sleep schedule. I am taking vitamins to help, but I know I need to be getting to bed earlier.

I’m hoping to move to a new apartment; one that’s bigger and closer to the boyfriend. I want a kitchen I can cook in and start learning Moroccan dishes. I bought two beautiful cookbooks and can’t wait to start trying them out.

Lots of fun things to look forward to. Just 72 days to South Africa, where I’ll be seeing my friend get married and enjoy the safari of the savanna.